Hrmm....how to frustrate a nutty foreign leader who holds closet nuclear tests and ignores world policies? NO iPOD 4U!!!

As part of "Get To Know A Foreign Leader Day"*, I've discovered North Korea's Kim-Jong-il's list of Christmas wishes:

"Kim is reportedly under his physician's orders to avoid hard liquor and prefers French wines. He also is said to own an extensive movie library of more than 10,000 titles and prefers films about James Bond and Godzilla, along with Clint Eastwood's 1993 drama, 'In the Line of Fire,' and Whitney Houston's 1992 love story, 'The Bodyguard.'"**


Funny. I would have pegged him as a Travolta or Clooney fan.

---
* Not a real holiday.
** FoxNews.com, Nov 29 '06, click image to read

It is said in the Bible that one shouldn't give reluctantly or out of compulsion, referring to money. I think this attitude obviously stretches to other areas of a Christian's life. We're supposed to have a heart that is willing and cheerful to give.

Along those same lines, anything a Christian does in his or her life should be up for giving God glory. If I somehow ran the fastest mile (stop laughing), and God could somehow be honored, praised, or promoted by that, then I would be thrilled at the result, even at the loss of personal honor for the win. I find it hard to understand those who choose to prohibit God from receiving glory for things they accomplish in life. Anything I have or am, I attribute to God since I have been bought with the blood of Jesus Christ.

Often it is even easy to overlay a positive Christian attitude or purpose in our everyday actions. It isn't always easy, but I believe it is our responsibility. Practice at the battle helps win the war.

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Warning: Technical Blog to Help the Masses.

I hurt for people when they buy a computer that is either too much for their needs or incapable of performing the tasks they want it to do. Many times, I have either sold a computer at a store (even though I did not work there), redirected the customer to another option, or prevented them from buying at that store altogether. I feel a small sense of pride in having saved someone money or having helped them get the best bang for their buck.

With the holidays here, I hope to prevent more unknowing buyers from being hit by the "good deal" or the "commissioned employee". If someone wants to buy a computer, they can look at the parts and make a sort of mental score of what the computer can do. Computer users can class themselves generally into one of four categories, in order of how much a powerful computer is needed: Surfer, Publisher, Video Editor, Gamer. (Surf the internet and play copious amounts of Sudoku? Write papers for school or make the occasional Christmas card? Make home movies to send to the family? Frag your friends online in 3D worlds?)

This is a VERY general reference, and is to be used at one's own risk. The parts and their relevance to you:

*breathes deeply* Here it goes:

CPU (the brain): Surfers and Publishers, the default is probably fine for you. Gamers and Video Editors, the higher the numbers the better. The more cores, the better. High cache, multiple cores, high bus, high speed. Save a buck or two, step back from the top of the line a few paces.

RAM (the short term memory): "Amazing deal" probably means you have half the RAM you need. Gamers double or triple the default, Video Editors should triple it, Publishers who can afford should double it, Surfers can leave it as it is.

HARD DRIVE (the long term storage for your stuff): Speeds are measured in the RPMs of the disks inside the drives. higher is faster. Gamers get a 10,000RPM drive or better. Video Editors get nothing below 7,200RPM. Surfers and Publishers, just pretend there is a small rodent running on a wheel inside the computer case; you probably won't notice any difference in the speeds. [edit] Video Editors will want over 200gb of space or better. If you plan to do a lot of editing, you will want more. Gamers will want less than most editors, although if you are an avid gamer, you will need space for all those games. Publishers will likely need to bump the size up to 120gb or better. Surfers can usually keep the default.

VIDEO CARD (projecting what you see): Gamers may end up pawning one of their children to afford this component, as it is the core part for them. Avoid the term "shared memory" or "integrated graphics". No easy rule of thumb here, but charts can help you find the price-to-performance ratio that fits the number of children you can afford to trade in. Tread carefully here. Video Editors have an even tougher choice, and often have to research to see what cards churn out the best quality. Gamer cards generally work well for video people. ATI and nVidia are common brands to purchase. Publishers and Surfers should worry more about getting a quality monitor.

CD/DVD: Gamers and Video Editors should have more than one CD/DVD drive, as you will sometimes want to copy your video production to make copies for family or do two things at once. Everyone should have a DVD burner nowadays. Look for DVD+RW DL (DVD read/write dual layer). DVDs hold a ton more than CD-burners. They are great for all users to back stuff up off the computer and store for safekeeping. Editors should get fast speed burners and fast-speed blank DVDs that match or exceed the speed of the burner. No, you should not use one as a drink holder.

USB 2.0/FIREWIRE (ports to plug stuff into): Everyone should have 4 or more USB ports nowadays (see previous USB blog). The only exception might be Video Editors, who may also need Firewire800, a high-speed port common to many digital video cameras. Some cameras use USB 2.0 as well. Check your camera.

MONITOR (what sits on the desk and displays the image): Get an LCD monitor. Don't skimp here; read reviews, shop smart. Your eyes will thank you later. Key stats to buy for Everyone: 8ms or less response time. 500 cd/m2 or higher brightness. Contrast ratio of 800:1 or better. The rest should fall into place if those stats are right. Just about everyone enjoys a large monitor; general sizes are 15", 17", 19". Bigger than that can get expensive. Buy from a place that will let you return the monitor if pixels go dead in the screen. Have a good warranty. If you have never heard of the company, be sure to research it a bit. What good is a warranty if the company isn't going to be around in a year?

MOTHERBOARD (all the above fits into this): Only gamers and techie video experts usually worry about this. Too much to write here. I'm already abbreviating this whole process.

WARRANTY (when things break): Get one. Two years or better unless you are a Gamer. Gamers will probably upgrade before the two-year mark. :P If you are clumsy, ask if they have accidental protection plans.

My seventeen cents.

---

Working in computers, I have begun to realize that we IT guys have more acronyms than just about any other profession I know. We've begun to make up acronyms for things that don't have them. Combine geek, web, and invented acronyms, and I think we could get away with a conversation entirely comprised TLA's*, the's, and and's.

I might be heard to spit out something like, "We have to use ESP to get the firewall to let TCP traffic pass IPSEC over NAT."

One of the common acronyms that we have enjoyed since I earned a cert in computers:

MCRE: Microsoft Certified Reboot Engineer (since that is how you solve most Microsoft problems...reboot)

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* TLA = Three Letter Acronyms

I miss skiing. I used to go quite often. I'm not entirely sure why I enjoy it so much, as I really am not very good. I AM good at going very fast, very straight. I have a problem stopping in an upright position, though.

I feel like Lane Meyer trying to get a leg up, but always seeming to come up short at the right times.

I am very good at performing the "yard sale", where you not only wipe out, but also spread your equipment to the four corners of the earth. I have managed to not permanently injure myself, but I am nowhere near ready to join the well-oiled machine that IS the Greendale High ski team. Perhaps when the kids are older, I can take them out on the bunny hill and pretend to teach them the basics, where I will truly be relearning to snowplow.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

Today is Black Friday. This is the day when America shows exactly how crazy it is. I enjoy shopping, but I do not enjoy being physically relocated by a WalMart customer just so they can get to a copy of Weekend at Bernie's on DVD. The picture seen here is from actual footage of customers waiting for Target to open*.

I am always torn on this day. I spend an hour looking online and through local ads for things I really don't need and probably shouldn't have, finally arriving at the crucial decision of whether or not to venture out. This year, sleep and lack of extra funds has triumphed over my desire to go hit the early morning sales. My tastes for purchases tends to be for more expensive electronics (can one really have too many 200gb hard drives?), so we'll spend some money on gifts and a couple items that we really do need.

I'll pretend that the world out there today is saying "Please" and "Thank You" at the DVD stacks, and that the gentleman blocking the way to Target's front door will kindly move out of the way so the droves with the purchasing power can move in.

---
* I could be wrong. I get easily confused between martial law and shopping on Black Friday.

Paper. My daughter is the queen of paper. She is uber creative and likes to craft various memorabilia ranging from fake playstation game controllers to images of her future boyfriend*. I sit down at the computer. Paper. I go to the kitchen. Paper. I look for the remotes. I find Paper. Toybox? Paper. Empty the vacuum? Paper.

Sometimes I have to get after her for not keeping the paper cleaned up a bit, but it has been cheap love. Her creative energy is amazing to watch and fun to laugh with (and at, sometimes). I nearly fell out of my chair at her most recent creation, a picture of her current boyfriend-who-must-not-be-named. She cut out tiny pink hearts for her eyes. That was detail work.

That's my girl.

---
* I am sure he will appreciate having been a paper doll at one point in his life.

I've noticed a trend among geeks. Worry. It is almost worthy of including in a job description, it is so pervasive. Right now, I am on vacation for Turkey Day, and I have thought several times about an array of backup tapes at work, a web server, a file server, and several minor computers that may be put under duress in the next coming weeks. Thousands of dollars in projects are lined up, deadlines set for when I return.

My family does a great job of popping me back into real life. "Play with me, Dad!" seems to snap me out of my funk pretty fast. Tape drives don't seem so important in those moments. If something does break, I'm sure I will be notified. Some days, I just need to unplug.

USB is great. The only bad thing about it is that I happen to always be on the losing end when trying to plug it in the right direction. Leave it to me to lose a 50/50 chance 90% of the time.

USB is so pervasive now, there are gadgets for all kinds of people and purposes. Here are some fun ones I would one day like to own:

+ For those times when they just won't leave your office...

+ No more lukewarm drinks after long meetings!

+ Even geeks can be festive.

+ Plug this in just because you can.

+ Groovy.

+ Geeks have to eat, too.

+ Office supplies going pro.

+ I have too many post-it notes laying around...

From the "gone too far" category, from which I will NOT be purchasing:
+ AC problems be gone!

+ Also groovy.

+ Relocate the computer, perhaps?

---

The church I attend desires to grow. We've changed behaviors and organization and are beginning to reach for a new level of involvement and personal commitment. Church growth doesn't seem to be an easy thing, because the church is full of people. I pray we don't get in the way of ourselves. I trust that God will respond to us trying, even if we don't have a perfect formula in place. So far, though, things look very promising.

It's like the story of the man who owned an orchard. His money was dwindling and his trees were failing to produce the quality fruit customers used to rave about and ask for. So he prayed to God to help him. No matter what he needed to do, he felt prepared to try. That night, he had a dream. In the dream, the man saw himself digging under a tree not far from the center of his grove. Buried under a particular tree, he found an immense treasure that appeared to have been long forgotten by those who had hidden it. The man awoke the next morning, full of vigor and excitement, determined to go to the tree he remembered so clearly from his vision the night before. He grabbed a shovel and a pair of gloves and headed out to the orchard. He found what he believed to be the very tree from his dream, and he dug all around it. He dug for hours, all around the roots of the tree, but found nothing. He dug deeper still around the tree, yet still found nothing. He replaced the dirt, and then dug around the nearby trees, thinking he had perhaps been looking at the wrong tree. Still, he found nothing. He requested all his workers to come to the orchard and dig with him. They dug into the night, they dug for days, spiraling out into the orchard until every tree had been dug under. The man was exasperated, as no treasure was found in all their efforts. The man continued to pace his orchard each day, trying to remember where the treasure had lay, wondering if they had missed a tree or dug too shallow. Each day he walked, he noticed the trees looking healthy and lush. Each week that passed, he saw the life spring back into his trees, and the next season yielded a masterful crop that surpassed any previous crop he had ever seen his many years. His money troubles were now gone, his workers strong, his excitement returned. God had answered his prayer.

---

I just want to know where to dig. I know I can't do the whole field myself. Just point me at a corner.

I like playing games with friends. I like co-op and I like player vs player competition. Apparently people need to learn more co-op when buying their consoles. Or perhaps Nintendo players are just more peaceful by nature?

Playstation 3 Release Day Violence
Accusation and a stampede video

Nintendo Wii Launch Goes Smoothly

You can love your games, just don't loooooooove your games.

---

I spent all day today playing XBox360 on a 40" LCD with 3 other guys. I felt my age, as I kept checking to see if my wireless controller's non-existent cable had gotten tangled up between my feet and kept referring to the "back" button as "select". Old habits die hard, or never die.

I had a good talk with a great friend, Marion, tonight. I didn't expect him to stop by, but I am glad he did. We talked about the world, the church, our friendship, and the Word of God. I am fearful for my children, concerned about those who would hold up progress, prayerfully thinking about the future of loved ones, and glad that all of these things are wrapped up in a Master Plan that I have zero control over. Who by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Not me. Time to pray.

---

(*gets up on technological soapbox*) Not many people like change. When it comes to computers, my wife likes change even less, especially when I change something that effects her working environment. I don't blame her.

Recently, Microsoft put out Internet Explorer 7 as a "critical update", forcing many people to change to a new method, for them, of browsing the internet: Tabs. Tabs have been around in web browsers for ages, and as can be seen in the image here, even cartoon characters are on the tabbed browsing bandwagon. It is time for more people to hop on.

I'm a Microsoft guy by profession, and I think Internet Explorer 7 is not near as fun/enjoyable to use as Firefox, but that is my humble opinion. Tabs take getting used to, but I now find myself unable to live without them. I research a ton of documents in my work, and I have several Firefox browsers open, each holding tabs relating to different topics. One Firefox session has 8 tabs related to solving a Windows error. Another session has 10 tabs finding out how to improve security. Yet another session is a hodgepodge of news. Often I will have another session of Firefox holding my Newegg shopping cart containing my dream computer parts. All of this takes up only a few precious spaces on the task bar, and my thoughts are all sorted out for me.

And to add to the function, you can download all sorts of addons. I've had a web page maker, a download manager, a music manager, a blog manager, a news reader, an FTP client, a search tool, a mail checker, and a notepad, all in a web browser. The internet is an amazing place; it helps to have a swiss-army-knife-like tool to surf it. I'm not going on a 50-mile hike around the 'net with a little fanny pack. I've got a traveler's pack ready for a trek.

Change is tough, but for those who have been using the default browser their computer came with, they shouldn't get too mad at Microsoft for pushing a seemingly new thing. It has been around for a long time, and they've been made fun of (literally) for not having tabs.

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My name is Paul. I play World of Warcraft. (hi, Paul)

In an effort not to appear as a total nerd when people find out I play this game, I tell them "It's like a really advanced chat room, where you get to kill stuff". Okay, that just sounds plain dumb. Better thought dumb than nerdy, right?

Seriously, though, I play "WoW" online with my wife, my brother, his wife, my father-in-law, my sister-in-law, and several friends in town. We are all in a group called a guild*, and we chat it up while slaying (and being slain by) the denizens of Azeroth. With over 7 kajillion people playing this game all over the world, you get some interesting memorable moments, and members of my family and friends enjoy this nonsense together. We poke fun at each other a lot, too. Take for instance, an in-game quote from a not-to-be-named female player, masquerading as a Warrior:

"I can't wear that! It won't match my pants!"

Ah, the tough life of a warrior...assuring that one goes into battle in proper fashion.

The traits of each player's real-life person comes out in their alter-ego in very humorous ways. Ever see an elf flirt with a gnome? I have. Ever hear someone tell you that your brother's armor shows too much cleavage? I have. Ever been glad to see a loved one eaten by a dragon? I have**.

There are also moments of marriage therapy:
Warrior: "Why didn't you heal me?!?"
Priest: "I was being eaten by a large dinosaur! Where WERE you?!?"
Warrior: "Beating on three plant-thingies and a giant lizard, DYING."
Priest: "You're supposed to PROTECT ME."
Priest: "you said you'd always protect me."
Warrior: "..."

And to make the nerdiness complete, we take screenshots of our adventures and set them on our computer monitors as desktops or email them for kicks. People drop by my monitor, point at the various assortment of elves, gnomes, dwarves, and humanoids and ask "What is THAT?". I can proudly tell them, "My family."

---
*A guild is a WoW term for a gathering of nerds.
**We were running from the dragon at the time. I ran faster.

When I sit down at a computer that I plan to use on a regular basis, I send the poor thing through a customized cornucopia of alterations and tweaks to suit my multitasking mind. I need to make a little program that performs all my tasks automagically* with a simple double-click. Many of the things I remove are annoyances that I, like many other computer users, would rather not deal with. On my list of annoyances to change:

I turn off the animated character that "helps" you search your computer. I know that many people find the little doggy cute, or the paperclip in Microsoft Office charming, but I find them as enjoyable as Jar Jar Binks.

I turn off balloon tips. I laugh and cry at the same time when XP tells me *pop* "You have unused icons on your desktop."

I remove Microsoft Messenger from the system. XP tells you it is "critical" to the operation of software installed on the system, but I KNOW THE TRUTH! (baleeted**)

I reveal the file extensions. I don't like to name a file "mynotes.txt" only to find out it is now "mynotes.txt.txt".

I double the size of the taskbar, disable grouping of like items there, enable quicklaunch, show the clock, show all tray icons, use small icons in the start menu, and turn off highlighting recently installed applications.

Do I obsess much? To most people, yes. To other geeks, this is the tip of the iceberg. I draw the line at changing other peoples' computers, but I see techs revamp other peoples' computers and leave a person scratching their head, as if Zorro had just slashed a "Z" into their monitor.

---
*Yes, this is a word. I use it with my colleagues every day.

**See homestarrunner.com

I recently Googled myself using the quoted keyword "Paul Swaim". Besides being me, I am also a Senior Economist, member of the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD), and Commander Cadet at the Citadel military college in South Carolina. The only one that seems remotely like myself is probably the one from the Citadel, my opinion solely based upon the picture referenced.

I'm on the lookout for the perfect personal life device. Something I can gently pat and say "My Precious". Something that I can write directly on, move things to and from computers without interference, blah blah blah. So far, my search hasn't proven successful. The sad part is that the device I desire isn't likely to be something that droves of people would line up to purchase. Low demand, low supply. There are a few candidates out there, like the OQO, but first generation technology generally needs to be skipped over until the kinks are worked out. I rather hate feeling like a tester when holding a "final" product.

As I'm decluttering my life, I've been using a Dell Axim x50v, but I want the power of a full Windows OS in the palm of my hand. PDAs are handy, but I feel like a big man in a very small suit; they just are too cumbersome to seamlessly interact with computers. Sony's always dropping new products out there, and the ultra-portable PC is on the way. My blood is boiling for the holy grail of devices, but I'm sure they'll cost an arm and a leg (and a kidney).

Paper clutter, be GONE!!!

A friend of mine, Mike, recently came back from military duty in Iraq. I went to his house on Halloween, and our families chatted for a few minutes as Mike and I filled up some pumpkin-colored trash bags with leaves in order to place them on display in front of the house. He had worn his uniform for the trick-or-treaters, and I asked him about the meaning of the various medallions and markers the military had awarded him. He told me of one he got for jumping out of planes, another for something else I can't remember offhand, and a third he said for combat, "Basically for getting blown up and shot at". I shook his hand, hugged him, looked him in the eye and said "I have no frame of reference, but thank you. Thank you."

It is hard to know what to say to someone when they lose a loved one, and for some reason, this moment was similar. I couldn't say "I understand how you feel". I don't. I can't comprehend it. I appreciate it, though, and I let him know it.

I think everyone should let them know it.

I've tried this, and I am successful one out of eleventy billion tries.

I'm attempting to become more organized in my life overall, and I am ridding my life of paper. I've been testing this at work, and so far have enjoyed the results. I see more of my nice desk's surface, and actually have room for nifty gadgets like a stapler, a tape dispenser, and a computer monitor now. The secret? GTD*

GTD stands for "Get Things Done", and involved a system of rules for organizing tasks as quickly as possible so one can spend more brain power on actually doing tasks rather than sorting them. A sample rule is "If it can be done in two minutes, do it now". If all a person's tasks are two minutes long, then this may not be the system for them, but for myself, it is already proving quite useful. One of the originators of the GTD system is David Allen although much of his content is geared towards a paper version of the lifestyle. Since I am de-cluttering my life, this is counterproductive to me.

The overall gist of GTD is to tag every task you have into categories such as "Next Action", or "Pending", or "Future" in order to continually keep your to-do list very focused on action and less on having to re-think "what was it I had to do on this project?!?". I've found it very disciplining and fulfilling, and I use both my work email and my gmail account to keep it flowing.

I'm still trying to figure out why I am so much more organized on a computer than I am with paper. I guess if my file cabinets had a "search" function or some snazzy Windows-key shortcut, I might actually have stuck with paper. As it stands, paper....BE GONE!!!

I keep telling myself "Don't print. PDF." A USB Stick is my new binder, although it doesn't look near as cool as my old Trapper Keeper.

---
*It's a TLA.

Every so often, I've been SO taken by a film that I wanted to be IN the film. Some people are so resourceful (or nerdy) that they decided to make their OWN film in the spirit of the original! *gasp* I've had the guilty pleasure of enjoying Fan Films over the years, and my favorite ones to watch are the Star Wars variety. I watch them not only for the amazingly professional ones, but for the ones that are creative, inventive, and downright silly.

More often than not, you get what you see pictured here, a little bit of substance and a lot of "I think lightsabers and stormtroopers are cool". I think 95% of Star Wars fan films include at least 9 lightsaber battles*. I imagine George Lucas can feel himself rolling in his grave, even though he's not dead yet.

Here is a recap of most Star Wars fan films. Keep in mind this encompasses most fan film plots:

[Star Wars John Williams knockoff opening credits/story]
[Jedi1 flies ship, lands on a planet]
[Jedi1 roams around the woods behind the 7-11 near the park]
[Sith1 appears, hooded, following Jedi1 from afar]
[Jedi1, woods, Sith1, Jedi1, woods, Sith1, Jedi1, Sith1]
[Sith1 steps in Jedi1's path]
[Sith1 and Jedi1 stare each other down for 30 seconds]
[Sith1 removes hood, his face painted to look like the 4th cousin of Darth Maul]
[Sith1 sneers]
Sith1: "You are weak, Jedi!"
Jedi1: "You're wrong! UR weak!"
[Sith1 ignites a double-sided red lightsaber]
[Jedi1 shrugs off his cloak and ignites a single-sided blue, green, or pink lightsaber]
[Jedi1 and Sith1 reenact their 7th grade drama stage-fighting fencing routine]
[Either Jedi1 or Sith1 gets skewered by a lightsaber]
[End credits]

If anyone uses the above script for their fan film, they will not only NOT have to pay me royalties, they will also no longer be able to be called my friend.

There ARE a few gems in the Star Wars fan film pot, and here are some of my recommended home-brews (I admit, there are some lightsaber fights):

The guy in the blue shirt got a job with LucasArts for his entry in the lightsaber coreography contest (along with other things he'd created)!

For the TRUE story of the Rebellion's victory...

In case you missed one of the episodes, dude.

What IS the true essence of the force?!?

I am amazed by what people can create on small budgets. I think I will go make my own fan film. It will just need to be of equal caliber to my two previous films I have starred in, Jerusalem Dragnet and Mighty Mormon Potty Trainers .

*This might be off base. I think the actual amount is closer to 25.

I used to go to LAN parties all the time. If you don't know what a LAN party is, it's when a bunch of people get together to play computer or video games with/against others. It may not sound like much, but if you've every felt the thrill of playing with friends in a 4-player game in front of a TV, imagine a 32-player game where everyone has their own screen! Many a time, I've turned away from my computer monitor to shake my fist at another head that popped above their screen to see the reaction of the player they just carpetbombed.

LANs are a lot of fun, and the best I've been to has to have been from SpokLAN.net, hands down. They are my only large-LAN experience, but they're into the fun more than the competition. Having been able to help them set up a LAN, I have a newfound respect for the work that goes into the fun occasion.

A Few of the Many Ingredients of a successful LAN:
------------------------------------------------------

FOOD! Generally you see pizza at a LAN, but you also sometimes get the homegrown goodies like the ones shown here (thank you Mrs. timmeh!!!) Some LANs charge a fee for the overhead of setting up the LAN, often including the food costs. Others take your money and tell you where to buy fast food. : /
<--- Good eats. I had a little of everything, and a LOT of some things.





SPONSORS!
Larger, more established events are able to get vendors to send prizes*, goodies, food, decorations, or other novelties. Good LANs give away the best prizes randomly, so not all the good gamers get the best loot. The bottles pictured at left are caffeinated drinks; the poster is advertising for a company that gave a USB memory stick for a prize. I helped set this LAN up for the people over at 2404.org, so I was not eligible for the swag. Minor loot overall, but much fun was had.



GAME BREAKS:
The eyes have to rest at some point, and the blood has to flow somewhere besides your arms and head. Some kind of game or activity is usually planned, getting people out of their seats and moving around. The gents at left are shooting foam rockets at targets. Best aim netted a prize. The foam rockets were fun, but eventually found themselves being fired at moving targets once the official game was over.




INSANITY:
Certain players tend to dominate in certain games that are played. To level the playing field and create some fun chaos, sometimes the rules are changed. Players here are in the midst of "Eyes & Drivers", where one player controls the mouse/keyboard, while the other player calmly** gives instructions on where to move/shoot. The outcome is a blast. "No, no, NO!! Shoot over THERE!" (um..they can't see, they have a PAPER PLATE on their face). This is a SpokLAN event favorite.



POWER & NETWORK !
To fuel large numbers of computers, you have to have a ton of power. One LAN I attended had 96 people in attendance, and required connecting spider boxes to two individual 100-Amp power panels. In order for the gamers to play together, network cables connect switches and hubs, spindling out more cable to each computer. This particular event had a tragic moment where one player jumped up from his seat to stretch, only to find that a primary power cable linked to his chair had been yanked out by his movement, darkening the screens of more than 20 players. There needs to be a word for the sound exasperated gamers let out in unison. It is a very funny noise.

I've lost my taste for overnight LANs, as most usually go into the wee hours of the morning, but I still get together with some friends and do the mini-LAN Saturday here and there.

* Also known as "Swag"
** Vigorous shouting, shaking

I've been thinking a lot about communication lately. I have friends who are working on marriages, other relationships. I'm in a church that is learning all over again how to communicate and relate. I work in Information Technology, which is pretty much a language all its own. Sometimes communication feels like you're in another country, trying to get a message across to people who don't speak your lingo. Other times you feel like your country is being invaded, and you can't seem to impart important information before disaster happens. Or maybe they just laugh at the feeble attempt. Case in point: Engrish.com

If you go to their site, take it with a grain of salt, but here are some classic attempts at universal communication on signboards in other countries:

A little off the top?

Do they mean a V8?

Nothing to see here, carry on...

On certain days, this would be tempting.

There's just one, but he's mean!

Thanks for the tip.

I'm not sure my trash is special enough for this location.

This may be an international sign, but it certainly isn't politically correct.

Well, I'm consoled by the fact that even the professionals get it wrong. I'll stick to my bad english and let the pros entertain me.

I am not one to enjoy politics, but I recently received an email from a friend with an anti-Bush sentiment, encouraging people to vote all along the Democratic party line. The email contradicted itself, stating we need to move past the Dem vs Rep attitude and move on to balancing our country, but then resorting to general bashing: "killing, lying, cheating, stealing, coveting possessions, arrogance, etc which Bush and Co. are so good at".

I spent an hour being angry, then I wrote a reply I never emailed:
--------------------------------
Seriously, this self-contradictory email frustrated me greatly. The "Stop Bush" rhetoric is old. Enemies hate you more when you fight back. Usually the right thing to do is not the popular thing to do. Any human will struggle with proper or wise use of power handed over. Tough decisions have been made that many agree with and many are opposed to; this is true in any position of leadership. Yes, no person is perfect.

Yes, vote, but find out the issues for yourself other than from commercials, newsradio, nightly news, and misleading emails. International compromise and partnership doesn't have to involve sacrificing values, convictions, and sovereignty.

A check and balance doesn't involve forcing a change for change's sake. If ultra liberals or uber conservatives hold sway, we'll have trouble either way. Only vote change if you REALLY think that change is going to improve things in a manner more solid than blanket general accusations at "Bush and Co."

The biggest sway in the Presidential position lies in the candidate that does not separate his faith from his politics. Bush said nearly verbatim that his faith permeated his decisions. Kerry said he holds his faith outside his political decisions. I fear for our country and for you if you consider candidates who knowingly tear God from their lives.

Dig deeper. Don't ask people to vote down a line because you sent them en email.

I understand you have a view from Europe. I do not share this view. If you want to talk about this in person, then come talk to me; don't send this to my email again, please.

In my opinion, this was poorly done.

Always your friend, regardless of what's been said.

Paul
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Yeah, I hate politics.

The Windows Key. Is it useful for anything more than being an annoyance to bump with your wrist? Yes! It has many uses, but I think it should also do the following:

Windows Key + T = Stop time for 15 minutes.
Windows Key + S = Randomly kills one spider somewhere in your neighborhood.
Windows Key + B = Overcomes writers' block.
Windows Key + U = Upgrades your computer. This combination can only be used with the blessing of your spouse.
Windows Key + Y = Get an actual reason why the computer is not doing what you are telling it to.

REAL USES:
Windows Key + M = Minimize all your windows (D key is similar effect)
Windows Key + F = Search
Windows Key + L = Go to the welcome screen (for most home users)
Windows Key + R = Bring up the RUN box.
Windows Key + E = Bring up Windows Explorer to browse your computer

Other shortcuts:
Ctrl + Shift + Esc = Show the Task Manager, see what is running on your computer
Alt + Print Screen = Copy only the current window to the clipboard for pasting to another program
Alt + Tab = Switch between running programs if there are two or more
Alt + F4 key = Close the current window or program. If nothing is open, should show you the shutdown/restart options.

More shortcuts are coming in Vista, but I don't think mine creations are included. :(

Ode to Bob

The last bid!
The last hurrah!
The last hysteric lady,
To crush your ribs in adoration
And wish they had your baby!

We'll miss your mic,
Your perma hair, and pocket full of cash.
We've loved the witty repertoire,
And the pet population flash.

The cycle's spun,
The Plinko's dropped,
The yodeler's hiked too far.
What will you do, oh Sandler handler,
Now you've given your last car?

May your retired days
Be no less exciting than the hours on TV.
May your funds be never overdrawn,
And a dollar under be.

I hear there are no more than six degrees between me and anyone else on the planet, especially Kevin Bacon. As of Nov 2nd, anyone who knows me is now within the six degrees of both the President and the record holder for lowest male vocal bass note. They met recently! My brother in law, Tim Storms is a great guy and the record holder who sings in a fantastic show in Branson, MO. Somehow he was at a performance somewhere when the President came through. I believe the President did not see the show, but did say he liked their boots. I guess if anyone knows good boots, it'd be a man from Texas. :D

I tend to pride myself on being fairly good at communication. I can usually get my thoughts across in some fashion that is understandable by other persons, and I can be on the receiving end without too much fuss. However, there are few situations in life that display the disparities in human interactions more than the conversations held via email between a tech support person and a non-technical user. It is like a game, trying to be successful at guessing what in the world people are trying to say. Samples below, with eventual translations. The original spelling has been preserved to convict the guilty:



CASE ONE:
Subject: NETWORK-INTERNET
Location: 25E
Description: "this is for andria in pod 25E. having porblem getting in the interent and get one logged into more then the one or freeze up out and not able to log in to another system. Also having nudity pop ups on her system."
Translation: Andria infects her system with spyware anywhere she goes. She cannot log into her current system or the old ones she's been at, because she has been installing the same porn-supplying junkware at every station she visits.
Solution: Put head in hands. Cry. Replace regular computer with a Macintosh or Folger's Crystals.

CASE TWO:
Subject: HARDWARE-CPU
Location: G-10
Description: "Wires came out of the box."
Translation: The user couldn't get the mouse wire to give slack, so rather than untangle the wires near the source, the cord was yanked, ripping the mouse's cable, leaving the end of the plug still dangling from the back of the computer.
Solution: Put head in hands. Cry. Spend an hour replacing the entire motherboard since the mouse port is now dead. :(

CASE THREE:
Subject: DESKTOP-SOFTWARE
Location: 302-B
Description: "I am trying to get the resume wizzard to work in
my word program, but it says its not available. Can I get this installed as
soon as possible. It is very important because I don't think I will have a
job tomorrow. Thank you"
Translation: I am failing to fulfill my responsibilities in my present position, therefore action is required on someone else's part.
Solution: Laugh. Prevent user's email account from sending emails to more than a handful of other employees at a time. User is a prime candidate to be found sending a "Fare-thee-unwell-I'm-leaving" blast email.

CASE FOUR:
Subject: COMMON-HELPDESK
Location: 418C
Description: "When I put my user id and password in, it takes me
to the sign-on information screen and then in the data base selection and
choose and I watch the men dance and then they disconnect me."
Translation: The icon in the topright corner of the software they were using shows two little stick-figures dancing while the program tries to connect to a network computer. The stick-men stopped dancing, therefore were directly responsible for severing the connection.
Solution: Laugh. Send to as many other techs as possible via email. Perform the Rhumba all the way to their desk.

CASE FIVE:
Subject:COMMON-HELPDESK
Location: 717B
Description: "Is there any way you can un sweek my mouse is sounds like a really thing"
Translation: My mouse ball is dirty and keeps making an irritating noise and skipping across the screen.
Solution: Replace the mouse with another. Clean the mouse in question and place back into use at another desk. Begin using the word "unsweek" regularly with other techs as if it was common technical jargon.

I have to admit that communicating effectively is much harder for me in the morning, and I have my own personal set of top-of-the-morning emails where I have committed what should probably be felony counts of horribly unclear communication.

First of November's daily posts here:

Since I work with computers, I enjoy the geeky jokes and gimmicks within the job. Here are a few shirts that illustrate these day-to-day technological truisms. I think I need to own them, as I think geek.

1) Remember: Binary is made up of 1's and 0's...
2) For the gamer left hand that falls to rest NOT on ASDF...
3) I still hear the sounds of Street Fighter II in my head...
4) 127.0.0.1 is a computer's own address...
5) For the days when you're just too busy...
6) Sadly, scripts only automate tasks...
7) To let others know the true power of the IT guy...
8) Problem exists between keyboard and chair?
9) 'Nuff said...
10) Might be true, but doesn't inspire confidence...

This would make quite the ensemble.