I tend to pride myself on being fairly good at communication. I can usually get my thoughts across in some fashion that is understandable by other persons, and I can be on the receiving end without too much fuss. However, there are few situations in life that display the disparities in human interactions more than the conversations held via email between a tech support person and a non-technical user. It is like a game, trying to be successful at guessing what in the world people are trying to say. Samples below, with eventual translations. The original spelling has been preserved to convict the guilty:



CASE ONE:
Subject: NETWORK-INTERNET
Location: 25E
Description: "this is for andria in pod 25E. having porblem getting in the interent and get one logged into more then the one or freeze up out and not able to log in to another system. Also having nudity pop ups on her system."
Translation: Andria infects her system with spyware anywhere she goes. She cannot log into her current system or the old ones she's been at, because she has been installing the same porn-supplying junkware at every station she visits.
Solution: Put head in hands. Cry. Replace regular computer with a Macintosh or Folger's Crystals.

CASE TWO:
Subject: HARDWARE-CPU
Location: G-10
Description: "Wires came out of the box."
Translation: The user couldn't get the mouse wire to give slack, so rather than untangle the wires near the source, the cord was yanked, ripping the mouse's cable, leaving the end of the plug still dangling from the back of the computer.
Solution: Put head in hands. Cry. Spend an hour replacing the entire motherboard since the mouse port is now dead. :(

CASE THREE:
Subject: DESKTOP-SOFTWARE
Location: 302-B
Description: "I am trying to get the resume wizzard to work in
my word program, but it says its not available. Can I get this installed as
soon as possible. It is very important because I don't think I will have a
job tomorrow. Thank you"
Translation: I am failing to fulfill my responsibilities in my present position, therefore action is required on someone else's part.
Solution: Laugh. Prevent user's email account from sending emails to more than a handful of other employees at a time. User is a prime candidate to be found sending a "Fare-thee-unwell-I'm-leaving" blast email.

CASE FOUR:
Subject: COMMON-HELPDESK
Location: 418C
Description: "When I put my user id and password in, it takes me
to the sign-on information screen and then in the data base selection and
choose and I watch the men dance and then they disconnect me."
Translation: The icon in the topright corner of the software they were using shows two little stick-figures dancing while the program tries to connect to a network computer. The stick-men stopped dancing, therefore were directly responsible for severing the connection.
Solution: Laugh. Send to as many other techs as possible via email. Perform the Rhumba all the way to their desk.

CASE FIVE:
Subject:COMMON-HELPDESK
Location: 717B
Description: "Is there any way you can un sweek my mouse is sounds like a really thing"
Translation: My mouse ball is dirty and keeps making an irritating noise and skipping across the screen.
Solution: Replace the mouse with another. Clean the mouse in question and place back into use at another desk. Begin using the word "unsweek" regularly with other techs as if it was common technical jargon.

I have to admit that communicating effectively is much harder for me in the morning, and I have my own personal set of top-of-the-morning emails where I have committed what should probably be felony counts of horribly unclear communication.